Writing Down the Bones

The past few days I've been trying to read a mini-essay from the book Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg and taking notes about things to write about. Lately I keep thinking about all of the things I need to do instead of doing them. There are four things I want to do each day for myself--read, write, walk, and yoga. Each of them for about twenty minutes (except the writing, which I feel like I can do in less time for some reason), and each of them make me feel better in all kinds of ways when I do them.

When I get up in the morning to do yoga, my head is clearer and I'm calmer. Serene, peaceful. Maybe this feeling of calmness is in my head, but even so, that still means it's real, right?

So, now, I have pages of lists in my notebook that may be translated to this blog or may just stay on the paper. When Goldberg first wrote The Bones she wrote exclusively about paper to pen or pencil, saying that pen to paper is nearly a spiritual process. I know that to be true--but I also wonder if hand to keyboard cannot also awaken the sleeping writer in us. My hands move faster when they type than when they write. So, does my brain move faster or am I trying to keep up?

On my sketchy list of things to write about is the line "our senses by themselves are too dumb" which of course is true. I walk around life trying to feel and remember every feeling and everything, but it is only when I step back that I realize my true thoughts about an issue or an idea or person.

There was a time when I believed that the feeling approach I took was the best or the only approach, but now i realize that it is a choice like most other choices we make about ourselves, even if it is an unconscious one.

Of course writing, and this book, and Natalie Goldberg make me think about Dr. Walker. When we went through her papers a few weeks ago and we found letter after letter of hers from Leslie and some other man. She write these love letters in ways that made me realize I didn't know her much at all. We were given a small slice of her life, and that slice was beautiful, but it was definitely not the only part of her. We were barely a part of her life, but we were there at the end, circled around her and holding her hands. Listening to her breaths move slowly and less rapidly from her body until she was dead. Barely knew her, yet held her as she took her last breath.