Simply a List

This is what I want to write about:

My grandma's stay in St. John's for exactly four weeks, her death, her funeral.
I know that if I don't write about these things soon I will forget them and they will be gone.

I feel this striking sense of losing my extended family without her and my mom to hold me to them. I saw people this month that I'll probably never see or hear from again.

Is this what it's like when everyone gets older?

My friends having babies and being pregnant while I feel like a barren wasteland. Not becuase I can't get pregnant, but because we're not ready yet. And then I wonder if I will ever be ready for a baby. And then I think about not having my mom to show me how to be a mother in the first few hours and days of a newborn's life. Yes, that may come to me, but I wish I didn't have to rely on my instincts alone. I wish that I was able to look into my mother's face as she held my child for the first time.

Memories that my family and I shared around my grandmother's hospital bed as she took her last breaths.

Mary Carsten's love of the family tree, and how it literally drove her to work my grandma's funeral.

The last wishes paper that is lost.

The dating talk I had with Piper.